1.
I am a person who is generally complacent and
content. I am uncomfortable with dis-content.
2.Recently, I've felt very depressed. It wasn't
until the great and wise Ama said, “I don’t think that’s a bad thing because it’s
making you question…” that I realized that depression (for me) is an ugly,
little gift. I am motivated by happiness and that is generally my only
motivating factor.
3. I know in my being a minuscule amount of effort
would thwart me where I needed to be. I am scared of success. Success comes
with judgment and success comes with shaking up everything I know my life to be.
See #1. There is always a lot of struggle with success. Great artists generally
have to deal with a lot of demons and I just don’t wanna….
4. I know what I want to be. I want to be a writer.
5. I am a writer. I just don’t know how to be one.
Except that I am. Even when I haven’t written in months. It nags at me every
day. Write. Write. Write.
6. But I don’t know what to do with it when I’m
done. Because I know when I’m done, it will fall into place. After writing,
comes editing. And I don’t like to slow down enough to focus on my mistakes.
After writing comes success. After writing comes the unknown. See #1.
7. So if I’m scared of success and am easily
complacent, why not give up the dream? See # 5. Some say the purest joy is in your child’s
smile. For me, it’s a good review. It’s a drug I want more of. It’s a drug I’m
scared of. The smiles of my children makes me feel happy. The feeling of a good
review makes me feel alive.
8. I am all or nothing. I have never successfully
found balance. Finding balance means finding success. See #3.
9. I have no discipline. Discipline means finding
balance. See #8
10.This is what I've learned today. Remember and find comfort. I savor pain and
unhappiness when it’s for the greater good of who I am as a whole. Because I only
seem to write…when I am discontent.
