It’s always warmest in the morning. The heat finally decides
to kick on, rattling in that familiar pleasant way that I normally can’t hear
because of the daily ruckus, the soundtrack of living with a toddler—the squeaky
bike wheels of his tri-cycle, the high pitch tenor of his little boy voice. I
can hear it now, because Oliver is at school and Penelope is sleeping. The remains
of breakfast (eggs, hot, sweet, strong coffee, perfectly buttery wheat toast)
are scattered across the coffee table. The DVR has one less show. It’s not even
9:30 and I’ve already gotten my ‘me’ time. I am warm, full, reeling off the
high of a terrifically good rerun of How I Met Your Mother. I’m almost tempted
to wake the baby, that’s how ready I am to start the day (and I haven’t even
had my meds yet).
This is what I’ll miss most when I go back to work.
I’m surprised at how fast the days go. I’m surprised at how
centered I feel. I’m surprised at how happy I am. My future has always centered
on a career. Working somewhere, at least to build a resume. I don’t want to be
35 and starting a career. But as of now, my career has no meaning. I enjoy it
but it’s just a paycheck. It’s convenient and flexible and just what I need in
a job. Not that we could afford it, but I imagine what it would be like to just
let it go—to never go back. In two years, what would I have to show for myself?
A clean house? Groomed children? Don’t I need more than that? I thought I did.
Maybe I’m still in the glowing bliss of new baby. As of now,
if we could afford it, I would let it all go. I have to remind myself that the
core of my being is not court clerk, but writer. I’ve been doing
more writing home with two kids than I ever have working 32 hours a week.
The universe has a way of changing things, of fitting
together the different pieces of your life in a way that makes sense. First, I
just have to admit how badly I want to stay home. I’m shaking in my boots (ok,
mis-matched socks)—but fear is a good thing.
OK, universe, I admitted it. Now do your thing.
I totally get it. ;-)
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